Fighting Fair with Words

That all couples argue is no secret. How will they do it determines whether it will prove fatal to their relationship. Here are some tips from experts:

DON'T - TUNE OUT OR GO OFF TRACK

INSTEAD - Listen & Respond

You may think that you are listening, but are you really? Couples who argue think that they've heard what the other person has to say many times before, so they tune out or start thinking of what to say next to win the     argument. Try to understand the emotion involved in what is being said.It's not about winning the verbal duel but solving the problem & try rephrasing the key points of the argument and conveying them to him. Not only will he know that you were listening to him, but it'll help you remember too.

DON'T - BEAT AROUND THE BUSH

INSTEAD - Identify the problem & address it
If you're arguing about something your man did, stick to the issue. Don't drag your neighbor's dog into it or dredge up what happened last week, the week before that & so on. If you are upset about something, identify what it is  & convey your feelings directly always keeping to the point.

DON'T - ATTACK HIS PERSONALITY

INSTEAD - Adress the problem/situation

>If something about your man irritates you, don't say 'you are irritating' say 'What you are doing is irritating me'. Use 'I' & 'WE' rather than 'you' & 'your' which sounds accusatory.

DON'T - ABUSE OR GET PHYSICAL

INSTEAD - Be civilised

DONO't - LEAVE THE ARGUMENT HANGING
INSTEAD - Resolve it and always apologize at the end.

Never go to bed angry. It'll not only disrupt your sleep, but you'll probably wake up more irritable and have even worse time. Always make sure to apologize after wards, whether through actions or words. It doesn't mean you were wrong; it just means you are sorry you hurt him.

DON'T - HIT BELOW THE BELT

INSTEAD - Know your limitations

Marital fights are mostly about hitting where it hurts the most, it is very difficult to fight fair, especially when you're trying to prove a point. Instead of focusing on how you can get back on him for something he said, focus on keeping yourself within bounds.

DON'T - DRAG OTHER PEOPLE INTO THE ARGUMENT

INSTEAD - Keep it between two of you

DON'T - EVER ARGUE IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS

INSTEAD - Excuse yourself or ask your kids to leave the room

Fighting infront of the kids is your marriage and life from all disturbances.

-Mrudula

Clues to find that he/she is seeing someone

Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife

* Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what

a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

* Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

* Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

* He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

* She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

* She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.

* He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

* Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

* Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

* He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

* Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"

* He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

* The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.

* Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

* Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

* Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

* He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

* He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

* Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.

* Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

* You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.

* Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

* Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.

* Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

* Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

* He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.

* Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

* His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.

* The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.

* You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

* Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.

* You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.

* He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

* Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

* He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

* She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

* She has a "glow" about her.

* Atypical erratic behavior.

* He sneaks out of the house.

* She sleeps with her purse by the bed.

* She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

* He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

* The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.

-Munnu

Marriage for Dummies

Java for dummies for the budding programmer, 3D MAX for dummies for a design aficionado, Blues Guitar for Dummies for the music minded. You've read one of these for sure.

Marriage for dummies is an effort to deflate common marriage myths and keep your marriage ALIVE. Small steps will assure you a lifetime of happiness, if a happy marriage is what you have in mind. You do know that you have the power to redefine any relationship, don't you? All you need to do is recognize that power and step up to figure what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage.

Rule number one: Your vows are about commitment, not a method of living together. If the methods you have been using for quite sometime now aren't working, don't wait till the warning bells have sounded. Change your methods now. And when you are doing so, commit to mending your mistakes.

Rule number two: Stop blaming yourself or your spouse. Does it really help? Not really. So next time that you're about to say, "but you did this" or "you never did/said that", stop yourself. Because its not leading you anywhere!

Rule number three: If you got till here, you won't be disappointed. This rule has never failed! Take off, on a no-baggage vacation. By no baggage i mean NO lingering thoughts of work, home, money...it's all going to be dealt with anyway. Its always easier to deal with your worries when you are pleasant towards each other. Watch the sunrise over the mountains, try mountain biking, walk across to a nearby town, drive to a place where you can soak in the last few rays of the sun....all in a day.

Reethi